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New Baby Boy
For Rooney !!
WAYNE ROONEY’S son has been named ‘Kai’. Apparently, in Burma it
means unbreakable, in Nigeria it can mean love, in Japan it
translates as the ocean and in Chinese Mandarin it means victory.
In ancient Persian it means Great King and in Scandinavia it can
mean keeper of the keys. Whilst in England it means a f***ing good
beating when he goes to school with a stupid name like that.
Birdie ?? - Submitted by Jay Bevan
Britney Spears and Me were walking along the
beach. Suddenly, I says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."
Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
Signing Robinho in Trouble ??!!
MANCHESTER CITY were delighted to bail out
record signing Robinho after he was arrested over allegations of sexual
A speaking person said “we’re just relieved
to have finally spent some money on a decent player.”
Meanwhile, Robinho has pleaded his
innocence, claiming that he misunderstood the woman after she asked him to
show her that little trick he does between the legs.
For Chapped Lips - From Chris Davey
John was driving through the countryside one
Sunday afternoon when he noticed his friend Mick in a field kissing a
cow's ass. He thought that it was very unusual so stopped his car and
entered the field to investigate.
John walked up to Mick and asked him what he
Mick replied I've got a problem with chapped
John said well kissing a cow's ass when you
have chapped lips does it help?
Mick replied no but it will stop you licking
them for a few minutes.
Sheik Up At Man City, They Reveal Their New Team Kit For The 2008-09 Season
The Irish Diesel Fitter
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da
elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his
computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £ 40 a
week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when
asked his occupation replied 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £ 80 a week.
When Paddy found out he
was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and
co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained,
Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled
'What skill?' yelled
'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his
head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
Onestone The Indian
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose
given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest, where he made
love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by, and no one dared call him Onestone, that is until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he
made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
What is the moral of this story?????...........................
The moral is ...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
Cole likes the Brazilians
FENERBACHE left-back Roberto Carlos and Ashley Cole swapped shirts after
their Champions League game proving once again that Cole will take his
clothes off any time you show him a Brazilian.
Keegan To Bring Back The Glory Days
KEVIN KEEGAN has no fears about bringing back the ‘glory days’ that he had
in his first spell as manager. “I won nothing then, so I’m confident of a
repeat,” said Keegan.
Let's support the Germans at Euro 2008, not
ARSENAL goalkeeper Jens Lehmann wants England fans to support Germany at
Euro 2008. Who says the German’s don’t have a sense of humour?
Berbatov set to leave Tottenham
TOTTENHAM striker Dimitar Berbatov is ready to leave the Spurs for a club
that "can match his ambition." Newcastle are said to be the perfect match as
not only are they overly-ambitious but they also only perform four times a
England Manager touted as the next James Bond
STEVE MCCLAREN is set to be the next James Bond. A spokesman said, “Well, he
knows what its like to be screwed by the Russians.”
Spinning Deals Coming In For Robinson
BARCLAYS have just released their Paul Robinson Income Insurance service for
those wanting financial cover for pending unemployment with absolutely no
Robinson is also to launch a new campaign promoting Sperm Banks. A spokesman
said, “He doesn’t have to be the only one who gets paid for letting multiple
shots slip through his fingers.”
RAMOS has made replacing goalkeeper Paul Robinson his first priority as
Tottenham boss. Well, he couldn’t be any worse.
Don't turn your back on Campbell
manager Steve McClaren is hoping Jamie Carragher will come out of retirement
to solve his defensive problems. If the Liverpool defender agrees to return
McClaren will reportedly turn his back on Sol Campbell. Just make sure its
not in the showers Steve.
West Ham United/Manchester United/Kia Joorabchian/MSI/MFI/Argos striker
Carlos Tevez has finally got an agreement from all parties that he is in
fact unbelievable ugly.
Sir Angry Ferguson said, “There’s absolutely no doubt that he looks like a
cross between Ronaldo and a baseball bat fight, but it’s that natural talent
that leaves defenders in his wake – just in case they catch it.”
Meanwhile, Sheffield United have strongly denied that Tevez is ugly and are
planning court action. They claim these accusations are the real reason they
were relegated and not because they were shite.
like to count their chickens!! Go on Milan.
|A man walks into a bar and asks
the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free
drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls
out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to
play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an
even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the
evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be
better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny
rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat
stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man
reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to
sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers
him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for
sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No,"
he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer,
this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog
over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth
millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about
it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the
rat's a ventriloquist."
The Perfect Woman
A typical Scottish 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend,
decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed herewhen
my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a
row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?"
explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the
island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom
from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walks into the
house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down,
please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still
dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut
juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor
upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering
closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what
he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form
in his eyes.
"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"
Mommy & "Uncle" Frank
It's Saturday morning
and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he
forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming
around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"
says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs
in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob
says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's
upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I
want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside
"Okay, Daddy!" A few
minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what
you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of
bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the
rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about
"He jumped out of bed with
no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window
into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out
all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now
he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this
A man went over to his
girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her
with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come
second for once!"
Golfing in the Woods
A: Tiger Woods.
Q: These days, what do
you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament?
A guy goes golfing with his
girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in
the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in
and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf
ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in
"Oh," he replies, "that must
have been my mulligan."
blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest
words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was
photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.
One day the teacher
called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the
universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated
in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God
Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell
back to sleep.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!''
shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to
sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
An Australian is sitting at the bar in New York
City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running
about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?"
Granny's day in court*
*Defence Attorney:* What is your age?
*Little old Woman:* I am 86 years old.
*Defence Attorney:* Will you tell us, in your own words, what
*Little old Woman:* There I was, sitting there in my swing on
my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the
and sat down beside me.
*Defence Attorney:* Did you know him?
*Little old Woman:* No, but he sure was friendly.
*Defence Attorney:* What happened after he sat down?
*Little old Woman:* He started to rub my thigh.
*Defence Attorney:* Did you stop him?
*Little old Woman:* No, I didn't stop him.
*Defence Attorney:* Why not?
*Little old Woman:* It felt good. Nobody had done that since my
away some 30 years ago.
*Defence Attorney:* What happened next?
*Little old Woman:* He began to rub my breasts.
*Defence Attorney:* Did you stop him then?
*Little old Woman:* No, I did not stop him.
*Defence Attorney:* Why not?
*Little old Woman:* Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel
all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
*Defence Attorney:* What happened next?
*Little old Woman:* Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just
laid down and
said to him.."Take me .... young man... Take me!"
*Defence Attorney:* Did he take you?
*Little old Woman:* Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"
.... And that's
when I shot the little b @$%^*d.
Chelsea find a new haunt to
go to after home games
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to
go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before
returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband
is seeking some encouragement she get up and starts stripping in front of
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay,"
The husband says, "No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then!!"?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
|A woman has a heart attack and
is taken to hospital where she has a near death experience. On seeing
god she asks " Is my time up? ", God says " No, you have another 43 years to
live ". Deciding to make the most of her remaining years, the woman
splashes out on a face lift and tummy tuck, but when she leaves the hospital
she's killed by an ambulance whilst crossing the road. Arriving in front
of God, she says " I thought you said I had another 43 years? Couldn't you
have prevented the accident? ", God says " Sorry, I didn't recognise you".
|Q. What do you call 40
women in a field of vibrators?
|A seven year old boy was at the
centre of a Liverpool courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of
being beaten by his parents and so the judge initially awarded custody to
his aunt. The boy then revealed his aunt beat him more than his
parents did. It became clear that domestic violence was rife
throughout the family, so the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing
the boy to propose who should have custody of him. The judge
eventually granted temporary custody to EVERTON FC, who the boy believes are
incapable of beating anyone.
|Two men are in a gym changing
room, one is putting on lingerie. The first man says " Since when do
you wear lingerie? ". The other man says " Since my wife found them in
the glove compartment".